This Kind Of Clarity Only Comes Once

To all those who have ever heard a love song and found some part in it that spoke to you, this is for you.

To all those who have ever watched a movie about love, and no matter how dissimilar it was to your own situation, found some part of it to relate to your life, this is for you.

To all of those who know what it feels like to hold hands with someone and feel like your feet aren't even touching the ground, this is for you. 

To all those who know what it feels like to have time suspended when you look into their eyes, this is for you.

To all of those who know in the depths of their souls that they'll never feel this way ever again, this is for you.

Do not be afraid of love.

This kind of clarity only comes once.

Don't let it slip away.

Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance

First off, let's start with a wacky side note: Last night at work I decided I wanted to kill off a character. Why? Because I'm bored with her. So...I'll start plotting her murder rather shortly.

Have you ever been afraid to tell someone something? Probably. It seems to happen to a lot of people. But for the last.....god I don't even know how long, I've had paralysis of the tongue. I don't know why I'm so afraid to say it. I suppose I don't want things to get weird. I'm also afraid of hearing no. Or maybe it's because I don't want it to change anything, because it shouldn't but it has before. I don't know. I suppose I'll figure it out eventually.

So tennis started....I'm very very very very very very out of shape. VERY out of shape. I seriously thought I was going to die during practice yesterday. Stupid conditioning. Speaking of tennis, I'm getting "Mom" on the back of my sweatshirt. Why? It seems to have become my nickname.

Gah. I want a cookie. I want one of the cookies Aaron and I made. Though, next time we need to not leave them in the oven so long. That wasn't so good. We didn't burn them, just made them like little hockey pucks.

Well.................class is almost over. I think I'm going to go hunt down some coffee to wake myself up (giving coffee up for lent lasted all of two days, maybe. whoops?)

We're getting down til the sun's coming up

Wow. It's been a little while since I blogged. Sorry to the person who occasionally reads my blog!!

Hmm...updates?

Aaron is still INCREDIBLE. Holy crap. We've been dating for a month and a half and have yet to have a real fight (we don't call what we do fighting. We were friends first, we'll never give up giving each other crap). It's amazing. And he makes me feel like a princess. My Momma T told me that he needed to treat me like gold or she'd beat him up. I told her he treats me like diamonds. Which is very true. He never makes me feel bad about myself. Ever. He does nothing but make me happy (okay, minus that one time but you get the occasional free pass on screwing up). He makes me want to listen to pop music. Ridiculously happy, bubblegum pop music. I can't listen to sad music right now. I don't feel sad. I don't know why, but with him I'd dance in a storm in my best dress (Anna Marie, you should get that one). Gaaahhh.....I could go on forever on how amazing this feels. The funny thing is, I could go on and on and on and never quite be able to explain exactly how he makes me feel.

Is it weird that the stuff that always bugged me about other guys doesn't bug me with him? Is it cause I know him well enough to know when he'll stop so I don't feel like I need to curb his behavior or babysit him? I still mother him, but in a completely different way than what I usually do. It really isn't even mothering. I just want to take care of him, to make sure he never wants for anything. I want him safe, happy and healthy. And instead of thinking I have to make him into a responsible adult so everyone will like him and think he's good enough for me, I just let him be him because I know he's good enough for me (if that makes any sense....). 

I think it's really helped that we know each other so well. Takes a lot of the guess work out of things. I can relax and be my goofy self with him. Hell, I was jumping in puddles because I had my rain boots on in front of him. Yup, I was THAT big of a dork. 

So...in other news: I want to graduate and be done already. Seriously awful senioritis. 

Tennis just started. I figured out today that Jenna and I are the only girls' singles players. So that means I'm second seed. FUCK. I'm NOT that good. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing season of playing like....4th seed singles, where I could beat up on all the freshman. I'm not good enough to play SECOND seed. I'm going to get SLAUGHTERED. It's going to be EMBARRASSING. MORTIFYING. AAHHHH!!!!! Now I actually have to work hard and learn to hit the ball. Blah. I'll be fine...maybe. Good thing I've got Aaron to talk me out of breaking my foot. 

Work is blah.

I'm thinking about finishing my story from last year. Now that I have a new idea on how it all works out. And my original inspiration for Gus is more clear, which really helps the story. Maybe I'll start outlining again, do some character exercises.....

You know what I just thought of. I'd make an AMAZING creative writing teacher. I would have SO much fun coming up with projects for my classes. That would be fun....Actually, being a professional writer would be cool. Too bad I don't have the attention span or follow through for that. Oh well. 

Well....I'm getting REALLY sleepy. So....WAIT. I almost forgot! Coffee didn't last long for lent. I'm not sure what else I could give up on that list that I haven't already had. So...I guess no lent this year?

Where the hell did this come from?!

Anna Marie just reminded me that next Wednesday is Ash Wednesday. For those of you not familiar with Christian traditions, Ash Wednesday kicks off the season of Lent, aka Give Up Something You Really Love for Forty Days. This is supposed to symbolize or be in remembrance of Jesus' forty days in the desert. For the past two years I've given up pop (or maybe I gave up coffee last year...hmmm) and I've done really well. However...I'm thinking not so much on the pop front this year. So what does one give up? Anna Marie said she's giving up Facebook (I panicked before she reminded me there was still MSN....then I calmed down). But I don't think I could do that. I'd start twitching within an hour if not properly distracted. So....

Possible List of Things Sarah Will and Will Not Give Up:

1. Fast food: While probably a good idea since I'm getting a little soft around the midsection, this probably won't happen. While I don't eat alot of it in the first place, I'd hate to rule it out as an option completely because then I'd actually need it for something. So...no go.

2. Aaron: Not happening. There is no way I'm giving up Aaron time.

3. Myspace: Uhhh...yeah...no.

4. Coffee: This is doable. I don't really drink it and I don't think I'd even notice it was gone.

5. Pop: Eh. Maybe. I'm kind of addicted to Dr. Pepper though.

6. Ice Cream: Why would I give up ice cream?????????

7. TV: Uh..no. Besides, it would be too hard to stay away from.

8. Homework: I would LOVE to give this up. However, my GPA would hate me more than it already does.

9. Text Messaging: I'd DIE. Besides, I rarely ever TALK to people on the phone anymore. 

Hmmm.....well....looks like coffee is getting the boot til Easter. 

Sorry coffee.

Nothing special

So last weeks emo rants got figured out today. The evil hormones had struck again, apparently.

In other news, life is pretty good. Got up way too early this morning (4;45), just got home (went to Aaron's after wrestling). Found out that instead of skipping to the part where you last were in the movie, just letting it play while you snuggle (among other things) is much better. Guess I'll finish it tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I have to work from 9-2;15, got to church and cook for a few hours, then I'm going to Aaron's again. It's going to be a busy day. Oh. Not to mention homework! Ugh. I hate my life some days.

But......then again, maybe life isn't so bad.....

(first kissing picture. 1/31/09)

If the slipper fits....

When something finally goes right in your life, do you find yourself waiting to hear the catch? Knowing this is far too good to be true, there must be something to it. 

I never expected to get another shot. So when I got it, I took it, and now I'm waiting to get hit by the truck or have a piano dropped on my head. 

Cinderella goes to try on the shoe, only to have it break, right?

Yeah, I'm waiting for the shoe to break. And praying it doesn't.

A walk on the wild side

Do you ever feel completely paranoid about something? And you might not necessarily need to be so paranoid about that thing but you can't help but obsess over it because you care so much?

I feel like I'm reading too much into things lately, but I can't seem to help it. I need affirmation I'm not willing to ask for, because I know that would invalidate it for me. I wish I could just ask and not worry, so I could breathe again. I feel like I haven't been able to breathe for the past week. I'm in a constant state of paranoia. 

I hate being constantly terrified like this. I've never been so afraid to lose something in my entire life. I wish something else had never happened, or that it had dissolved the way other things did, so I could sleep easy at night, confident in what I have. 

I should have jumped last year. I should have taken this chance then, before all of this doubt crept in. And it's not doubt about how I feel. I know how I feel. And maybe it's because I feel so strongly, because I've never felt like this before, that I'm so scared.

I just wish I knew.......